As anyone who reads this column knows, I am exceptionally political and use this platform to further my political agenda at any time.
Ha! I kid. I would no sooner wade into politics here than I would religion, because I’ve visited the internet and I’ve seen how that goes.
That said, with a presidential election now a merciful few months away, I do think it’s time all Americans get behind a few common sense political mandates that should be accepted come election day. I know we are electing a ton of candidates, including, I’m told, president. But I’d like to call for an up/down vote on my suggestions of a few common sense legislation ideas that I think we can all agree will pass 100 percent-0:
- When new construction begins on a site, a sign should have to be placed telling you a little more information than who the contractor is and what bank is financing it. They don’t have to totally spoil it for those driving by. Just a simple sign with either the number 1, 2 or 3. Number 1: Boring project you won’t care about, so quit wondering about it when you drive by. (Examples: Apartments; office space that will probably be mainly accountants and dentists; municipal offices you will never need to go to.) Number 2: It MAY interest you, but only start caring about it as it gets closer to completion. (Examples: Car dealership; office space that could be something cool, but we have yet to find tenants; veterinarian that specializes in big cats and exotic reptiles.) Number 3: Stay tuned, America! You’re gonna wanna see this! (Examples: Dave and Buster’s; brewery/archery range; veterinarian that specializes in big cats VS. exotic reptiles in the Euthanasia Dome.)
- When a traffic light goes out, if you are unable to comprehend that it becomes a four-way stop at that point and just blast on through the intersection as if you have an extra big green light, you lose your license for a month. If you do it while a police officer is standing there in the rain directing traffic, you lose it for 40 years.
- If you bring more than the stated allowed number of items to the self-checkout line, you are immediately placed behind the mom who is shopping for the month’s groceries, with her six kids in tow. For every produce item that has to be weighed and have its special number entered into the system, you have to let one grocer with at least a half-full cart go ahead of you.
- If you stop and help a stranded motorist successfully and safely, you can claim that event as a child and deduct it from your taxes. Caveat: If you do it unsafely just for the tax credit, you have to give one of your kids away.
- If your and your spouse are at a restaurant and your child starts crying, and you get up and take the child out of the restaurant, you get a free appetizer or dessert. Your choice. By my estimate, my wife and I would have scored about 43 billion appetizers/desserts over the last 16 years.
- If you are caught stealing someone’s sandals from the beach, you are immediately sentenced to 800 hours of community service. That service? Attempting to resuscitate washed up horseshoe crabs and jellyfish. Enjoy finding the other mouth on that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, you sandal thief.
- If I Google “Insert Team Here vs. Insert Team There highlights” and the resulting video clip is a couple of dudes talking about the clip but never actually showing it, those dudes have to come to my house with a DVD of the clip and show it to me personally. In silence.
I think we can all agree these are simple measures that will make our country bigger, faster, stronger. Vote Yes! for this on election day. And if it’s not on your ballot, cry foul to your polling folks. Because this is what America is about. Having a voice. And getting excited about watching a tiger fight a Komodo dragon.
Mike Gibbons was born and raised in Aiken, S.C. A graduate of the University of Alabama, he now lives in Charleston. You can e-mail him at email@example.com or follow him on Twitter @StandardMike.