The (temporary) bachelor

Recently, I spent four days as a bachelor. Now, while many of you would assume that my wife finally came to her senses, I can assure you that this was mutually agreed upon. My kids had spring break, and because the grown-up world is cruel and without reason, I do not get spring break. My wife decided to take the kids to Atlanta to visit her folks, leaving me to fend for myself for a few days.

Fortunately, I am not one of those helpless sit-com dads. I know how to cook and clean and do laundry and wake up on time for work, so I sent them on their way, encouraging them to find grand adventures. I will now chronicle for you my life as a bachelor:


  • Around dinnertime, I decided I would cook myself a great big steak. Turns out, there was no steak in the house. Ended up cooking a frozen pizza and eating in in the den while watching a James Bond movie. Fed some leftovers to the dogs curled up at my feet. It was glorious.
  • Worked for a while, getting ahead on the next day. Realized how quickly work at home goes when no one interrupts with, “Daaaaa-aaad! Parker took my pillow and hid it and made me a treasure map to find it.”
  • Finished work, and opted to play a video game, and got to do all the cool stuff myself. Didn’t have to let anyone else blow up the Death Star.
  • Went to bed with Sportscenter on.


  • Woke up early. Got two bowls down for breakfast. Ooops. Only one oatmeal today.
  • Showered with the bathroom door open, Sportscenter loud enough so I could hear it.
  • Went to work. Stayed a little later than usual. Remembered dogs probably would appreciate going outside.
  • Walked dogs. Thought about the steak I should cook for dinner. Instead, ate leftover pizza while watching a stand-up special with a lot of words bleeped out. Dogs were no longer interested in my pizza.
  • Finished all the remaining laundry in the house. Wondered aloud how people can have so many clothes.
  • Went to bed with Sportscenter on.


  • Woke up early. Just got one bowl down. Noted how limited the dirty dishes were.
  • Went to work. Came home in time to walk the dogs a bit earlier, which they appreciated.
  • No steak had magically appeared that day, so I opted to make egg salad for dinner. I only make egg salad when my wife is gone. She is a patient and understanding woman (she’s been with me for more than 20 years, so she’d have to be). But if there is one thing I can do to drive an immediate wedge in our relationship, it’s to make egg salad when she’s around. It’s her kryptonite. I also cooked an entire pack of bacon. And shared it with no one.
  • Took dogs for a walk on the beach. Texted pic of dogs and me to my wife. “Ugh — I smell egg salad,” she responded. She’s good.
  • Came home and watched Jeopardy! Got every answer right, as far as the dogs know.
  • Went to bed with Sportscenter on.
  • Woke up early. Decided to treat myself to breakfast out. Decided that was a lot of work so ate oatmeal in the den while watching Sportscenter. Learned dogs don’t like oatmeal.
  • Was tired of getting sent pictures from them of all the fun things they were doing, so I opted for a bachelor night out. Ordered crab and corn fritters, rosemary ribs, and a delish craft brew. Texted my wife a picture to show how I was living large. She texted me back a picture of the pedicure she was in the middle of. Well played.

The family is back now, and while I enjoyed my bachelor time, I’m actually glad they’re home. Despite the freedoms I may have enjoyed during their trip, I’ll gladly give those up to have my house back intact. Sure, the laundry will pile up and the dishes will get dirty and I will have to share video game victories. But those are small prices to pay. That said, I do hope they want to hear Sportscenter in the mornings….

Mike Gibbons was born and raised in Aiken, S.C., and now lives in Charleston. A graduate of the University of Alabama, you can e-mail him at or follow him on Twitter @StandardMike.

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