I’ve never really done New Year’s Resolutions, mainly because I am, well, perfect. Nothing to improve on here.
Clearly, the first paragraph was not written by wife.
So the reason I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions is not some contrarian, anti-establishment thing. It’s just that I never really have done it. I’ve tried to quit or start numerous things in my life, with varying degrees of failure, and I’ve found that the best time to do it is when everything lines up. Basing it on a single date never seemed like the best strategy for success.
To those who make them, good on you. Go to church more. Hit the gym. Quit smoking. Stop spoiling Star Wars for people who haven’t seen it. I wish you success in your endeavor, and hope you make it past next week.
For those who don’t succeed with their resolutions, to those I say: You are an abject failure and a disappointment to all who believed in you.
Ha! Little demotivational humor there. Seriously, get back up on that horse and finish what you started. Or quit. Or whatever it was you decided you would do.
As for me, I’m not going to make any real definitive resolutions again this year. There are several areas of my life that could use improving upon, as is the case with anyone. But I’ll address those in due time. Instead, I think this year I will offer up some Continuation Resolutions, although not the kind normally reserved for political maneuvering. This new year, I will vow to continue doing — or not doing — some things that I think make me just a swell person.
I resolve to continue to put back my shopping carts in either the corral or back in the store, as that is the easiest and most direct way of proving you are not horrible.
I resolve to continue to give a courtesy wave that is clearly seen by a fellow motorist who lets me in traffic.
I resolve to continue to stick rigidly to the 10 item limit at the grocery store express lane, and never, ever try to justify it with, “Oh, it’s only 11, and the store is practically empty.” Integrity. It’s what’s for dinner.
I resolve to continue to be fascinated by airplanes, deer, dolphins, and As Seen on TV products. Yes, I really am a simple man. But those things always bring me child-like happiness.
I resolve to continue to let birds come eat at my squirrel feeder.
I resolve to continue not complaining when the trash guys leave my trash can in the middle of my driveway after emptying it. I backed into it one time, and my initial reaction was, “Oh, come on — did you have to leave it right behind my car?!?!?!” I then reminded myself (a) I should have looked and (b) dudes are hauling away my garbage. Leave it wherever. I’ll take it from there, and I look forward to next week’s visit.
I resolve to continue to take the dogs out in the morning as a pair, not individually, since apparently a big bad boxer will cry and whine if the old Dachshund doesn’t go with him. The big baby.
I resolve to continue to try and convince my wife to watch a Marvel movie with me. Any of them. I feel confident 2016 will be the year I break her and convince her superhero movies are one of our nation’s greatest exports.
I resolve to continue to look at the boxes in storage in my garage and strongly consider going through them.
I resolve to continue visiting with you good folks each week and sharing what I hope is a pointless but enjoyable diversion, which will most likely be needed during a presidential election year.
Happy 2016 to you all, and thanks for continuing to put up your shopping carts.
Mike Gibbons was born and raised in Aiken, S.C. A graduate of the University of Alabama, he now lives in Charleston. You can e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or follow him on Twitter @StandardMike.