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Childhood Family Uncategorized

The perils of being a parent at a restaurant

So my family was at a restaurant the other night. We were situated in a booth, strategically arranged as usual so that (a) my two left-handed kids had free reign to swing their eatin’ arms and (b) there was no brother-sister under-the-table leg kicking capability. (Team Gibbons getting situated at dinner often looks like a well-choreographed dance. We’re fun that way.)

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decland6

When the zombies attack, I’m sticking with my daughter.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Aww, what a super awesome dad who will be protective over his baby girl.”

To which I say, “Um, yeah, that.”

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When did you first see him?

When did you first see him?

It was, I’m pretty sure, 1980 for me.

When I was a kid, Christmas morning was always celebrated in our living room. In my parents’ house the staircase that leads down to the first floor is next to a wall that separates us from our Christmas bounty. The third step was key – no descent past the third step.

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Saying goodbye to an old friend

Farewell, noble warrior. Your service will never be forgotten.

Alas, today I bid adieu to a trusted family member who was always there to make sure our family was complete. Goodbye, coffee maker.

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Get yourself a pair of cheap sunglasses…

The last time I owned a pair of expensive sunglasses, I’m pretty sure there were two Germanies.

I was in high school, and I saved up around $100 to buy a pair of really nice sunglasses. They were Bollé brand, and anyone who just Googled that brand for his column can tell you that “Bollé is a world leader in the manufacture and sale of technical glasses, goggles and helmets for everyday life and specialised sports.”

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Car door 1, Mike 0

One would think the simple act of reaching down to pick up your keys would not send you reeling back in pain and create a cascade of blood down your face.

Mainly, you would think that because rarely when you pick up a dropped item do you get your head split open.

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Family Uncategorized

Alarming news

Typical phrase you might hear in my house: “Can someone go upstairs and tell Yoda to be quiet?”

Don’t get me wrong. I would love to have the actual Yoda just chilling around the house being part of our everyday life, saying things like, “Dinner ready, it is” and “Walk dogs, I will.” But this particular Yoda only speaks in high-pitched beeps. Mainly because he is an alarm clock.

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Uncategorized Writings

The execution of Jerry McWee

Originally published in the Aiken Standard, April 22, 2004.

On Friday, I sat in a small room with seven other people and watched a man die.

The execution of Jerry McWee was carried out with quiet efficiency, and I served as one of three media witnesses who would later relate the details of the execution to other members of the press.

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Food Uncategorized

Farewell, oatmeal

Dear Quaker Oats,

It is with a heavy heart that I must tell you that I have decided to see other oatmeal.

No, no, don’t cry. Stop. Listen to me.

We have been together for a long time, some 30 years, by my count.