Three years ago, I had one of the toughest break-ups of my life. And it’s never easy to break up with your oatmeal, especially when you’ve been together for more than 30 years.
You see, for most of my life, I have eaten Quaker Instant Oatmeal (maple and brown sugar flavor only) for breakfast. Sure, we do the occasional weekend bacon and eggs or waffle breakfasts, but the instant oatmeal was my go-to staple. But then, something changed. As I wrote back in 2011:
So my family was at a restaurant the other night. We were situated in a booth, strategically arranged as usual so that (a) my two left-handed kids had free reign to swing their eatin’ arms and (b) there was no brother-sister under-the-table leg kicking capability. (Team Gibbons getting situated at dinner often looks like a well-choreographed dance. We’re fun that way.)
As 2014 dawns on us, it is time we band together to do all those things in the upcoming year to make our society the greatest the world have ever known. And it will only take a few quick tweaks of our current ways of being to make that dream a reality. Thus, this year, as a society, we shall resolve to do these things:
In light of the years-long plague of performance-enhancing drugs in pretty much every sport, it’s time I came clean: I’m on steroids.
Granted the steroids I’m on aren’t the type that will let me hit a baseball 900 feet. Mine, so I am told, are the type that will let me lift a plain old grocery bag with my left arm without wincing in pain. But I felt a confession would be healthy either way.
There are many important traits needed to be a good father. But clearly, the one that stands head and shoulders above them all is the ability to be Awesome On Demand.
When a dad exhibits AOD, you can see it in the children’s face. Their eyes light up and their mouths go ajar and they stare in fascination as they realize that their dad is the most awesome dad ever.
You know the old slogan: “But what I really want to do is direct.”
Turns out, there’s a reason for it. Directing is awesome.
Now I’m not suggesting Spielberg and I are going to be doing lunch dates any time soon, but my stage directorial debut has been an absolute blast.
I have to go shoe shopping.
Did I mention I rank “go shoe shopping” just a smidge above being “be beaten with a shovel” on my list of “Things I’d Rather Not Do Today”?
Now I’m sure you’re asking, “Why do you keep that list? And just how long is it?”
The other night, I was sitting on the back deck, pecking away diligently on a column, when I heard my wife inside announce, “If I see another candy wrapper in my house, you’re never eating candy in here again!”
When I was in high school, I attended a Metallica concert. It was the loudest thing I have ever experienced. Until I chaperoned a middle school dance.
There were actually two school dances that night – my son is in fifth grade, and the first dance was for fifth through seventh graders. That would be my detail. The second dance was for eighth grade and up. My daughter is in eighth grade. She would be fine with me at home, thank you very much, she informed me.
It was room cleaning time, and I was on the clock.
As the kids have gotten older, they have gotten to where they are responsible for their own rooms. But let’s be honest here – most 10- and 13-year olds clean rooms the way squirrels stock away food for winter. They shove stuff here and there and hope they can find it in a few months when they need it.