There are a lot of things people in the same household can’t agree on. Which way is the toilet paper supposed to go on the roll? How often should you use a towel before it goes in the wash? Should toothpaste be squeezed from the bottom or randomly each time throughout the tube creating a disastrous amorphic blob of disgusting? (Answers: Over the top; meh, two or three; and obviously from the bottom unless you are clearly a monster.)
But all households have some disagreements that are distinct to them. And mine is no exception. So today I present to you the Distinctly Gibbons Disagreements:
What color is Lemon-lime Gatorade?
By far the greatest Gatorade of them all, this is a debate that started many moons ago when my wife asked if I wanted anything from the store, and I responded, “Green Gatorade.” When she got home, she told me that they did not have green Gatorade, but she hoped I liked the yellow. I looked at her purchase, and said, “That’s the green.” She said, “It’s yellow.” And neither of us have budged since. And I would like to say that while we are a house divided, but she has clearly poisoned the minds of our children, who also insist it’s yellow.
Is the proper way to eat corn on the cob typewriter style or the burn-it-all-down method of rotating the corn and then moving on to the next chunk?
This another debate that goes down party lines. You are either with mom or dad. Granted, our son does flip his allegiance on occasion just to keep things interesting. I think he’s just testing to see who will lobby him for support.
Is the Lil Nas X’s song Old Town Road featuring Billy Ray Cyrus a hip-hop song or a rap song? While the duo may seem a unique pairing, they have crafted a song that can generate this seemingly unanswerable question. They have also recorded a song the likes of which will stay in your head for what I am currently estimating at half past forever.
Should Jolly Ranchers be consumed by humans ever?
No. I don’t care what anyone else in my house thinks. They’re wrong. Gross.
What is the ideal temperature for inside of the house?
Generally, the debate on this lands somewhere in the 68-72 range. I’m fairly flexible in what temperature I find comfortable, so this is one that I will always side with my wife. My kids sometimes complain that the house is kinda cold, but I remind them that my wife’s propensity for a colder house started when our daughter was 11 days past her due date in August of 2000, and my wife found a setting on our thermostat called “January in Saskatchewan.” I pick my battles, and I’m certainly not picking one on temperature with a woman who has carried two people inside of her over the course of summer pregnancies. I can always put on a coat.
Is a child’s room their private space and therefore it’s their decision on whether or not to clean it, even if that includes a floor covered in clothes about four feet high?
Guessing you can see where the sides of this argument fall. And guess what one side has? The ability to turn off WiFi and cell phones and commandeer car keys. Clean your room.
If your family has unique internal debates, please feel free to share them with me at the email below. I’d love to know where sides are drawn in your household. I’d be happy to settle it for you, if you’d like. Unless it’s about Gatorade. Because I’ve already settled that. It’s green.
Mike Gibbons was born and raised in Aiken, S.C. A graduate of the University of Alabama, he now lives in Mt. Pleasant. You can e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or follow him on Twitter @StandardMike or at www.mikeslife.us.